A lab employee refuses a donation

[RING]

[RING]

    Dr. Frankenstein's body shop, you ice 'em, we splice 'em, Igor speaking.

[other end of call]

    Delivery? Well, depends. Where from?

[other end of call]

    That four-alarm fire? Sorry, afraid we can't take 'em.

[other end of call]

    Why? Well, last time Master tried using burned corpses was the same night as the big party we had, and there was some confusion, and the caterers accidentally served some of our surplus parts to the guests. Food Safety came by, and man, you should've seen the mess. The townsfolk call him a mad scientist, but man, that night he was off his rocker P I S S E D!!! He wasn't even that mad the time animal control picked up his weimelabracockershephermastidoberman creation. When they decided to put down ole Spot they pumped that poor dog with all of their supply of barbituate and he still kept wagging his tail like crazy. Man, they really freaked out when it fell off. Of course then they knew right where to take him. They also billed Master to resupply their cabinets. You know, come to think of it, the bill was the only part about the dog ordeal that bothered Master.

[other end of call]

    Sorry, I can't tell you what to do with all them corpses. The only other time Master accepted a donation of cadavers from a fire it smelled like bbq for months down here. Poor Master almost went full-on vegan after that one. He couldn't eat any red meat for at least two years. He's only recently been able to start eating brats again without his eyes closed. The only publicly-donated corpses we accept now are from horse and buggy accidents. The bigger the better. One time we received a shipment of corpses from a 4-buggy pileup. Man, those buggies musta been going crazy fast. Some of the body parts we put together sure looked like they used to belong to horses. You know the mayor? 19-inch-long neck, buck teeth, not that bright? Yeah, he came from our shop. We -

[other end of call]

    Yeah, but -

[other end of call]

    I didn't-

[other end of call]

HEY Now!! Don't blame us! Sure, we built him, but you're the dumbasses who voted for him!

[other end of call]

    Ok, alright, apology accepted. Now guillotine executions are fun too, but with this new aristocracy and fewer public uprisings we're not seeing so many of those any more. Several years ago there were 12 different beheadings all on the same day, some royalty, some from the debtors' prison, we just had a real ball. We actually attached an aristocrat's head to the ass end of a leprous beggar. Master just wanted to see if the spinal cord could operate in either direction. We managed to reanimate her, too. Oh, yeah, the aristocrat was a real lady but the beggar was some crusty old guy. Man, she pooped out of her mouth, died again out of pure shock! Comic genius. The night Food Safety shut down Master's party because of the catering confusion, man, all I could do to cheer him up was pull ole head-ass-gentry out of the deep freeze and make her dance around like a doll on strings. Fun times.

[other end of call]

    Listen, I'm sorry, I can't help you. I know you gotta offload those corpses, but I just can't do it. I know Master'll turn me into one of his creations if I accept just one more even slightly singed corpse. Can't do it. But I tell you what, two castles over I hear some dreadful howling about once a month. I think the Talbots will take 'em. Seems like they've got some sort of monster they need to feed.

[other end of call]

    What kind? I don't know. All I know is a couple weeks after they moved in something broke into our lab in the middle of the full moon night, ate most of our fresh supplies and some of the used bits. Pretty sure whatever it was came from their place, 'cause the next day there was a trail of severed feet, hands, a scalp or two, even found half of one butt cheek. Trail led straight to the Talbots' door. After that, I've noticed game population dropping way the hell off. Three days ago, I woke up and found all of the sheep on the glen torn to shreds and half eaten. Maybe they can use 'em.

[other end of call]

    Yeah, sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Thanks anyway. But hey, if you hear of any beheadings, we’d sure love to receive those bodies. We have real fun with ‘em, so keep us in mind, ok? Thanks for calling. [end call]